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tonyhabibi
Posts: 1223
Joined: Apr 10, 2004
Location: IN THE back of your mind .navagating through your heart , resting in your soul .
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 Posted:
Jun 20, 2007 - 12:19 PM |
 
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im just gonna say it ... forgive me if this turns out to be a rant / or journal entry .
im in beirut . i really cant stand my mothers side of the family with the exception of 2 members . which is hard because ive only gotten to know them last year and here i am revisiting them ,
the 2 members that are cool , are both girls one younger then me ... and one 37 year old ....
i feel lonely .... i have no one my age , male , who likes to do guy things .... and the guy cousin that i do have .... is i think literally homosexual .... i think ....
and i find him horribly annoying ..
( excuse my honesty . )
i also am having a hard time spiritually .
i recently broke a 2 year old promise i made to god .... i promised god 2 years ago that i would never smoke .....and for 2 years i hadnt smoked a cigg , until last saturday i was in a club ,,,,, that was new and the talk of beirut . and i didnt want to go in the first place , but i just wanted to change things up a bit . so i did , and i ended up 70 % drunk , and smoking ..... however ... alone ...
also ... i keep trying to stop my sexual lusts and fantasies and actions .... .... and everytime i try to stop ... i end up crumbling under homone pressure . ..... and i read books and listen to sermons about the sin of sexual immortality , and i listen and kow the riught way and wrong way ... and still i choose to lust , and act . knowing full well the consequences of my actions . and i hate myself for killing myself in this way ...and im just so tired of breaking my promises and my semi promises to god that i will never lust again , or so this again and that again . ugh .... i need help ..... i just cant stop .
also ... on top of all this ..... I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT BEING BLOWN UP ..... lebanon is on the verge of a civil war , and on the verge of being attacked by terrorist , or by ..... lebanese ....
i dunno , my family dont want me to go anyplace cuz of the possible danger ... but i piss them off by doing my own thing ... my way .... because if i did things their way ... i would be staying home all day not doing nothing . there are many instances where i lied to my family , and went to hot spots in lebanon ., and hours later ... that same hot spot , would be blown up , by a terrorist attack .... if u dont beleive me .. check the news .
see i have an option ... i can go back home to the USA ... but i feel ... if i stay in beirut ... i could learn a very valuable lesson and experince that will help me .
also ... there is nothing worthwhile waiting for me in usa .... i have no real motivation to return . i feel that lebanon can be a learning experience for me ... and i am so desperate for wisedom .
i find myself to not have grown up at all ... in july i wil be 21 yrs old ..but i feel liek im 15 .... i feel like im so immature
i feel my biggest problem is me and the dealings with my family ....
i feel theyre somehow trying to compete with me spiritually .... they want to try and make me roman catholic . or something ..... also ..... they try and show me that they pray more and do more , and this and that more ... and i found myself being like them ... i found myself announcing that i will begin the APOSTLES FAST .... this week , .... or 2orrow .... but i never see to get around to it .. but i do get around to announcing it .... after i realized my mistake i realized it was better not to fast ..... because fasting in secret is the true way . however it is very difficult to fast in lebanon .... very very difficult .... FALAFEL / TA3MEYA sanddwich and FOOL sandwiches are veryyyyyyyyyy hard to come by . everything is meat .
helpppppppppppppp |
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statichuman2
Posts: 28
Joined: Apr 25, 2005
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Jun 21, 2007 - 06:53 PM |
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Tony,
I have a couple things to say.
As far as living in fear of being blown up,I know how it feels. I was on British Airways flight 294 from Heathrow to Chicago, and it was supposed to be blown up. Every minute on the plane i was thinking about it. But I prayed and I finaly made it to Chicago. And might i mention that when i got off, there were at least 10 army and police men with loaded guns in the gate ready to shoot at us.
As far as you're situation, I think it's better to stay where you are, and return when you're supposed to. You say you can't stand your family, well what i suggest is you make some new friends in the city. Might be fun?
Fasting is hard in Lebanon eih? Eat fruits and vegtables. they're good for you. maybe try to find some soy meat. and when you're fasting, keep this in mind. The harder it is, the more you benefit. My moms a doc and everyday she comes home from work and is like, I love being Coptic Orthodox because we fast so much. Someone in the hospital just died today because they hate to much meat, or had a unhealthy life style. Also, on top of that, fasting will help you get over your sexual Lusts.
My last point to say is that when your family says not to go somewhere, remember this. "the son of obedience will receive blessing."
Have faith, it will conquer all your fears and problems,
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